South Sudanese Transgender, Gatnoor Paul: “Mom, I Wish I Was The Son You Wanted Me To Be”

I’m gonna be real for a moment and just say this sh*t SUCKS!

Like how is it normal that I haven’t seen my family in over a year and everyone acts like it’s normal… might not be your case but my mom was literally my best friend growing up.

I had ZERO friends yet I found joy in running home and talking to her all day. Call me dramatic but it irritates tf out of me that our relationship is not the same and I can’t cry and laugh with her like I used to. Both still here live and healthy but emotionally destroyed.

If anything I learned this year is that alcohol, men, s*x, and recklessness doesn’t erase the pain I’m feeling inside.

Mama I’m out of tears and can’t hold this feeling in no more. I understand I’m the one that pulled away first, but I’m tired of seeking from random men the love from family that I desire like everyone else.

Idk if you remember but this was the summer I got my first job and wanted to treat you for your birthday since you never celebrate it.

Mother and child night at the movies (watching Tyler Perry’s confessions) and all I could think was thank God my best friend finally let me do something for her.

I just wanna say, whether you see this or not, that I truly miss you. like I’m tearing up while I write this. And not this person that spits bible verses at me but my best friend that made feel okay with not being 100% perfect.

I understand you have your beliefs and I have mine but I will literally fall apart if you don’t know that I love you.

I just ask that you make sure my brothers get the attention they need, because they have more to offer you and I don’t want them to feel neglected because of me.

Kiss Joshua for me and know your truly the best mom anyone can have. I just wish I was the son you wanted me to be.

(This is not a suicide note or anything like that, I know better but this is me pouring out my heart)

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